"Faith in God is an opening up, a letting go, a deep trust, a free act of love - but sometimes it was so hard to love. Sometimes my heart was sinking so fast with anger, desolation and weariness, I was afraid it would sink to the very bottom of the Pacific and I would not be able to lift it back up." (Life of Pi, p. 263).
These words are speaking more truth into where I am at now than where I was at when I marked them while reading the Life of Pi.
I never felt the depth of anger, frustration and dislike of an individual as I do now.
It's ugly.
It makes me feel ugly.
It's unstoppable.
Maybe not literally, I'm sure there's a way to mentally re-direct myself. I'm sure there is scripture I could meditate on hard and come to some loving conclusion and actions to express toward said individual. But something in me is refusing to go there.
My feelings are hurt in a way I am unfamiliar with. I feel misrepresented, disrespected and unrightly inferior.
Pride is continuously swelling up inside of me as I think about what I am entitled to as an individual, as an educator, as an...American.
I truly don't know what to do to move toward an expression of love toward this particular co-worker.
If it weren't for the wealth of people who pour love into my life and whom I can so boldly love, I would fear my heart has sunken to far to be retrieved.
But, it's easy to love those who love us.
Jesus challenges us to love those who hate us, whom are our enemies, who are difficult to love.
I have alittle lot more 'letting go' to do before I can love in a way I believe is reflective of what I know to be my heart's capacity.
Ugh.
(Typed with the caffeine of instant Korean Maxim coursing through my veins)
These words are speaking more truth into where I am at now than where I was at when I marked them while reading the Life of Pi.
I never felt the depth of anger, frustration and dislike of an individual as I do now.
It's ugly.
It makes me feel ugly.
It's unstoppable.
Maybe not literally, I'm sure there's a way to mentally re-direct myself. I'm sure there is scripture I could meditate on hard and come to some loving conclusion and actions to express toward said individual. But something in me is refusing to go there.
My feelings are hurt in a way I am unfamiliar with. I feel misrepresented, disrespected and unrightly inferior.
Pride is continuously swelling up inside of me as I think about what I am entitled to as an individual, as an educator, as an...American.
I truly don't know what to do to move toward an expression of love toward this particular co-worker.
If it weren't for the wealth of people who pour love into my life and whom I can so boldly love, I would fear my heart has sunken to far to be retrieved.
But, it's easy to love those who love us.
Jesus challenges us to love those who hate us, whom are our enemies, who are difficult to love.
I have a
Ugh.
(Typed with the caffeine of instant Korean Maxim coursing through my veins)
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