Between Plans and Faith

Landing in South Korea, we carried upon our backs clothes more appropriate to travel than teaching and an odd assortment of toiletries and travel souvenirs.  Upon our hearts and minds we carried 

our plans. our desires. our dreams.

Korea was meant to be a destination that would leave us with countless tales of international travel and exploration. a sizable sum of cash to put into a Wyoming home. Korean language skills. new and numerous friendships with the locals and a few expats. 

And while it can easily be argued that these dreams and plans have been fulfilled, it seems as though there's more to be gained or as if we're leaving before fully completing all we set out to accomplish in living on the opposite end of the earth.

Yet, so clearly and so confidently, I hear the call of 

my heart. my Lord. my community. 

That now is the time to return.

Although, as of this very moment we return to nothing except 

our community. our family. our friends.

No job. No income. Insufficient savings. No house or land to call our own.

So, here we are. Having already sacrificed our plans and having decided to move forward in faith. Not regretting. Yet completely 

unsure. uncertain. unprepared. unwavering.

And the words which are on repeat, at the tip of my tongue, in this place between plans and faith:

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

...

"Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

Our desires are firm and steady. This I know.

Our Lord is firm and steady. Faithful. Loving.

Our future is unclear, yet we will rest on these promises.

(Typed while replaying recent conversations and drinking a Mocha of sorts from a green paper cup)

How I will Remember

My recent post isn't that typical of how I choose to present myself in this place.

It is a reminder to me, that journaling privately may be a worthwhile pursuit.

It is additionally a reminder that speaking honestly, being honest with yourself about emotions and feelings whether beautiful or ugly is a sweet, nourishing treat for the soul.

I'm not sure how the memories of my Korean teaching experience are going to be carried forth. I know, that within time, I will know that it was difficult and challenging, but what I will relive with the most frequency is...

how I've had students work so hard to use a second language which they have a minimal understand of, to know me and introduce their lives and their nation to me.

how some of my students have out traveled me.

how some of my students can relate to being a foreigner, in a strange land.

how through the difficulty of the past year, I have met my Korean soul sister and I daily recognized that that friendship is, without a doubt, worth every unpleasant memory and moment.

how my students have faithfully given me notes, sent me emails, offered me food and shouted warm hellos as I walk throughout the hallways and anywhere within a 1km radius of the school.

how my co-workers have consistently provided snacks, often at times when I was quite legitimately in need of food and how often times those snacks were delicious and fully enjoyable.

how I've had ridiculous amounts of time to blog and facebook and pinterest and read while at work.

how I've gained incredible skills in using PowerPoint and a few other technologies to create learning materials that are engaging.

how I've gained incredible skills in using non-technology based learning games because I think Korean students may spend too much time staring at 'screens'.

how within this position, I was able to complete a Master's degree without the addition of too much stress.

how we were able to afford an online Master's degree because of this work and still go home with savings.

how the co-worker who caused me the most difficulties gave me a hug which conveyed her regret and will undoubtedly assist me in my own process of forgiveness.

how these two years have provided me more than I can fathom, both good and bad, but ultimately formative and life-changing.

(typed while drinking water and eating cookies brought to me by a co-worker ^^)

The Truth of This Moment

I just need to get some things out in the open.

The truth of this moment is that I will never again teach 6th grade students at Samcheon Elementary School. In two days, I'll add Samcheon 4th and 5th graders to that list as well as two of my current co-workers. Aside from the 17 students who plan to attend summer camp, my work here is essentially finished.

And the truth of this is, I am relieved.

The truth is, I haven't enjoyed working here. Here as in Samcheon. Here as in South Korea.

I've loved Korea. I've loved many of my students. I've made a handful of exceptional co-worker friends. I've gained invaluable experience as an educator. I've learned to teach phonics effectively and engagingly. I've been offered a lot of snacks. I've drank a lot of instant coffee.

But at the end of the day, I don't love this job.

That is the truth.

Because in my position, as a foreigner, teaching English in a Korean Elementary school, regardless of previous experience and education, is not a highly valued position, in some ways, I am not a highly valued person according to cultural norms (age, gender, nationality, experience).

And...

I guess I've lead a pampered life of people praising me and affirming my talents, even in teaching and classroom management.

Not so here.

And maybe that's okay. Maybe, surely, I needed a season that played out the way this one did.

But the truth of this moment, is that I will not miss working in Korea's public elementary schools.

I just hope I have the heart and gumption to tackle teaching back home...or that the good Lord leads elsewhere...

(Typed having finished a red paper cup of nothing other than instant coffee ^^)

Books 2012: Running from Solace

Running from Solace by Nakia R. Laushaul
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

In all honesty, this was a tough read. Generational abuse, the shortcomings of the foster system contrasted against the necessity and benefit of such a system, vicious cycles of violence and so much more. It is a painful story. But it was grasping and continually held me attentive, wanting to know more about the inner workings of Mona, her son (and children) and the CPS staff woman who unknowingly became wrapped up in a case which would reveal painful truths from her own past, requiring her to confront the pain and hurt from years of her own abuse.

Truly, the story lines and three narrators of this story and the turns the story takes to tie them all together are absolutely gripping.


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(Typed having recently finished off a carton of banana milk, of greater interest, I'm 99% sure I finished the book while drinking a glass of home-made hard cider ^^).

Spilling

In my quiet moments, as of late, I mull over possible titles for a post, here at Tea with Melissa. The place I feel most comfortable sharing some of the deeper parts of me (although, you may not know it with all the book updates and goals with nothing else in between ^^).

I've considered poetically titling a post: Crossroads.

Doubt and Certainty serving as the primary theme.

Doubt that I'll land my dream job.
Doubt that I'll (we'll) have a job at all come September.
Doubt that I have what it takes.
Certainty that moving on is the call of the hour.
Certainty that all we need will and has been provided for.
Certainty that I have what it takes.

I've considered a simple post with a title such as: Processing or Updating

Rambling serving as the primary theme.

Expressing that, at this point, in my life in the life of my husband and I, we are soul searching and job searching. We are in love with two nations. We are in love with adventure and traveling and time to engage in such activities. We are longing for Wyoming, but so incredibly intentional with our finances that it seems foolish to bail on South Korea when there may still be perfect opportunities here to save and work a few more years toward the life we've always dreamed of. However,  Wyoming has dangled in front of us an opportunity so perfectly suited to our desires (and to my education and experience) that our hearts are yearning even more deeply for our homeland and the family and friends we have there, while simultaneously aching the truth that Korea is not our forever home and some of the people we've added to our community here may sooner than expected be half a world away.

And job searching is exactly what it's cracked up to be: stressful and disappointing and at times utterly thrilling in thinking about the possibilities. And time-consuming. And requires ridiculous amounts of paper work and document tracking and scanning and sending -- and all that's before an interview.

So maybe we'll be in Wyoming by September. Perhaps in a dream job, preparing to build a home of our own and with a promise to visit this second home every year or two if even for a short time. Perhaps among our prior community who loved us so dearly and have contributed to who and where we are with their love and support and encouragement. Perhaps crashing couches, looking for flexible work as substitute teachers of eBay entrepreneurs. Or, maybe we'll be in South Korea, relocating on the peninsula. Transitioning into a University position looking forward to more flexible schedules and longer vacations.

But we don't know. And there's currently no indication of when we will know these answers. So, we just sit and wait and hope and pray.

I've considered titling a post: It's a Beautiful Life.

Because I love Ace of Base.
And because through all of this, I'm seeing just how beautiful and perfect my life is for me, our lives are for us.

Because when we leave places, we aren't escaping.
We're leaving behind family and friends who love us and support us and who are eagerly awaiting our return, miraculously without pressuring us to do so in a time-frame that suits their own desires.

Because when we arrive in places, we aren't excluding.
We're immersing and living intentionally because that's what we've learned produces results that feed our hearts and our souls. We recognize this place is temporary, more so than any other we're likely to settle into, yet our previous experience in community resounds and reminds us that intentionality and meaningful relationships and big and small experiences are worth the heartache that will one day be good-bye for now, until I don't know when.

Because when it's time to move forward, we aren't alone.
We have this beautiful life due to these beautiful people and as I sit so frequently, in confusion and uncertainty about what the (near) future holds, I am humbled and astounded by the degree and depth of friendships I have established here, there and everywhere in between. And whatever it is we decide, whatever it is that comes to fruition, I know we will move forward with the world's greatest support team, no need to escape, only a need to continue on with love, compassion and intentionality.



But now, in this moment, I just needed a place to spill all of these thoughts with their own flow, their own style, their own focus.


We're at a crossroads. And while we stand here, waiting for direction and confirmation, we cannot help but notice all that has brought us to this point and how simply astoundingly beautiful it all is.

(Typed while finishing off a most amazing and refreshing Blueberry-Cucumber smoothie from my very own kitchen using my very own home-made  yogurt ^^)

Goals: May Update and a word about June

As you may recall, April's goals didn't play out exactly according to plan - and I felt no regret. Actually, I  predicted May and the summer in general would follow in a similar trajectory.

So far, I'm quite accurate in that assumption.

I wanted to re-claim my morning time for meditation, prayer, stretching, etc. I didn't manage that, and it's still something I'm working on getting back into a habit of sorts. I need that time, to just be with myself and my thoughts, to mull them over and rework them into prayers and hopes and clarity. Unfortunately, in the inital moments of stree and feeling overwhelmed, I retreat from this healthy habit and simply withdraw in less productive ways. June will have me continuing toward this goal of finding peace amidst this ocassionaly hectic and chaotic life.

May also begin with my hesitations about running in the heat - I didn't run once in May. I don't feel guilty or shameful, but I hope that at some point in my life, running makes sense - as in all things come together to make it a truly enjoyable experience.

Three of May's goals however panned out relatively lovely. I made three pies (would have been four were it not for a week of horrible allergy and stress-enduced sickness) AND, I've continued the pie love into June and am so happy to be a pastry maker and more thrilled to have friends come over and rave about the crust - it's flakiness and perfectness...oh how I live for culinary success.

Aside from pies, I also conquered the Post Office in ways I had not previously accomplished. I sent a lot of letters and even a few packages. I wish I'd been better about this from the beginning of our time here. And, of course, I conquered the book challenge. I don't entirely love having to commute by bus to work everyday, but I do love the extra time to read and learn.

As for June and Goals...

I don't have many.

We're unsure where we'll be come the end of August. There's a fairly high chance we'll be stateside. That means our time in Korea is winding down, kind of unexpectedly - I thought I'd foresee this moment with a little more sureity, but that's not the case. So, with this uncertainty about the next year, Mike and I have a new fire and desire to set out on weekend trips and to see and do anything and everything to soak up the things we love about this second home of ours. I imagine this will continue throughout the summer.

I'm keeping up with my pies. Just made a pineapple pie the other night. Fantastic.

And, I'm working toward developing myself as a professional. Thinking about how best to put together a portfolio of professional achievements and certifications. Reading books and articles about cover letters, resumes, interviews, etc. I'm not sure I imagined I'd feel this type of motivation anytime soon, but here it is and I'm going to take advantage of it.

In line with developing myself as a professional (maybe I should say professional candidate?), however, in line with this, I'm making sure that I leave this position as a Guest English Teacher in Korean public schools with integrity and committment to my responsibilities. I'm laying out what I hope will be one of my best vacation English camps and plan to teach with joy and compassion for these students and my co-workers - regardless of any hard feelings I may harbor.

So, I guess those are goals.

Here's to being half-way through June ^^ (AND well on my way to conquering these goals...hehe).

(Typed while sipping from a small paper cup of instant coffee with cream and sugar)

Books 2012: Silent Tears: A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage

Silent Tears: A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage by Kay Bratt
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This memoir is about many things: harsh realities of a Chinese Orphanage, living as an expatriate, being a mother and a wife, navigating culture and serving your passions. Many passages are hard-hitting and tug at the heart-strings with unbelievable force. At times, the writing, which is presented in journal format/excerpts from the authors journal, feels like just that - raw emotions which paint a country and it's people too harshly and too drastically from the vantage point of Western ideology and prosperity. As an expat in East Asia, I can understand many of her frustrations toward cultural norms - I'm just not sure all of them are honorable to publish with such a critical tone.

In reading this story, I think it's important for the reader to a) recognize this is the story of one orphanage and one volunteer who happened to witness horrendous things - things which should be brought to our attention but may or may not be true for all of China's orphanages and likely happen throughout the world, even in developed nations and b) this is her journal, her raw emotions, it's not censored to be politically correct and that's fine, that's what journaling is intended for- a place to safely vent frustrations and wrestle with our perceptions of anything and everything including a nation and it's people.

I really, REALLY loved reading the letters at the end of the book and seeing how much hope there was in this place which so often showcased darkness.

"I wanted to transform the often vacant, detached expressions on their innocent faces to ones of animation, of joy, of life. My new goal became demonstrating to each child how it felt to be loved and nurtured." (location 129)

"I would never fail to be astonished that a child so young could cry so silently, without movement or expression, while so clearly craving human touch. It was as though they had given up on the hope of receiving even a moment of comfort or attention to alleviate the misery of their prison-like existence." (location 145)

"I had known helping these children would make me feel good in so many ways, but I'd never counted on the profound sadness I would deal with daily." (location 190)

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A few other notes:

I think about adoption quite regularly. Perhaps because one of my best friends adopted a child who quickly became one of my favorite. Lately, I've been having a lot of conversations with my Korean friends about adoption, because we're all at that age or point in our marriage when everyone wants to know - "Are you going to have kids?" It's been interesting and really ought to call for it's own post because it's been incredibly insightful and heartbreaking. Heartbreaking in some of the same ways this story is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking in that sometimes, honestly, culture holds us back. Puts restrictions on things which should be explored and embraced freely. I had so many emotions in reading this book. Mostly of a bleeding heart. But, at times, I was also frustrated with the author. She lived in China, for three years before bucking up and using a squatty potty -- and even then it was out of complete desperation. But she grew. And I guess that's what matters. Because I've lived in South Korea for 2 years and most definitely haven't overcome each of my cultural boundaries - so, I suppose I should lay off my judgement and comparisons and simply enjoy this book for the heart and passion expressed and the thoughts which it leads me to ponder and to share.

(Typed while sitting at my desk with nothing to drink but my own thoughts.)

A Month of Gratitude: May 2012

Spontaneity - searching for tickets to Tokyo. Dalk-galbi with new and entertaining friends (student teacher's from Nameson Middle School - Suhyun, Ellen and Yujin Leah). Hearing my dad sing a song he wrote via YouTube. Attending the Korean non-verbal performance JUMP, martial arts and humor. Little Black Dress. Sipping on Mike's BEST hard apple cider! Leftover blueberry pie. Reading and enjoying Hyunhee's company. Remembering our proposal story. Processing relationships, how I view the Bible, my faith, etc. Anticipation. Reunions and meetings in busy subway stations with my dear Mindy Litton and her boyfriend Alex. Friendships that span years and miles. Support and love from The Thread. The life of Mandy Litton. Ocean view accompanied by the peak of Mt. Fuji. Japanese Ramen. Morning naps. Banana Bread. Google chatting with Mark and SaraJane - dreaming of the future. Laughter. Bursts of motivation. A husband who loves me. A pup who loves me. B-boy and Ballerina - amazing performance enjoyed with the great company of Garrett and Alla! Cheap doctors and pharmacy visits. Younglan's kindness in bringing me chicken soup when I'm sick. Sympathy from co-workers, sleeping in the nurse's room rather than teaching. Currently being employed. Help and Advice from SaraJane and Liz. Submitting a complete and proudly completed application for my dream job. Morning orange juice on the banks of a small river. Green Tea naeng-myeon. Morning walks through wooded forests and fields of green tea. Anticipation. Emails/FB Messages from women I love, Mindy and Rachell. Learning to be a better pet owner.

(Typed while sipping iced green tea from a sweet little glass)

Books 2012: 51/50 The Magical Adventures of a Single Life

51/50 The Magical Adventures of a Single Life by Kristen McGuiness
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was utterly surprised by how much I enjoyed this book. When I downloaded it, I knew it was an odd choice for a girl who was nearing on 5 years of marriage (a marriage which started at the age of 22 nonetheless) and a girl who swore off dating of all-kinds upon entering college until 'the one' came along. Kristen McGuiness and I did not approach dating in the same way.

But I loved her story, the story of her, the honesty with which it was told and the rawness she so willingly exposed. I jived with the lessons she was learning about relationships, about self and about spirituality. And although I feel I've learned some of those lessons and via different paths, the truths are the same and the healing which they bring, just as life-giving.

Now, this shouldn't imply that the book isn't entirely entertaining as well - what better way to receive life's deepest lessons than through quippy writing and racy tales?

A few highlights:

"Because at a certain point, it stops being strange to be the last single woman on the block. It just begins to hurt." (location 72)

"Phillipe doesn't seem to notice that I am making life-altering resolutions across the table from him." (location 245, pg. 11)

"It always comes as a surprise to people that an educated young woman with preppy clothes and a deceiving set of dimples could carry such baggage, but I do." (location 543, pg. 33)

"to understand just one life, you have to swallow the world." (location 886, pg. 56).

"some people just want to live life with their hearts. They don't care that they'll be broken; they're not afraid to lose. They just know that they have to go wherever their hearts take them. Even if it's really hard." (location 1265, pg. 80).

"On my last visit to the shaman, she told me that some people get to do all their work within the space of a relationship, but some of us must do the work before we can even get into one." (location 2008, pg. 129)

"Sweetheart, we can only love as much as we are willing to be hurt. And I can't imagine that after years of loving your dad, and only being hurt in response, that you wouldn't be, that you could be anything but terrified to that in a genuine, real way with a man." (location 2159, pg. 140)

"I sit down and laugh and listen to the lives of those I love. Because I do listen now. I listen all the time." (location 2399, pg. 158)

"Our struggles, our fears, they're only as big as we make them. And we can let these little things stop us from reaching our potential, or we can see them for what they are and keep walking." (location 3234, pg. 220).

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A few other notes:

I truly couldn't put this book down - every 10 minute passing period I'd pick it up and try to get through one more chapter. It's not really about dating - sometimes the dates are with a therapist or her family members, but the process of self-discovery was such an enjoyable one to watch play out in front of me on paper. I'm still surprised by how much I enjoyed this book, especially considering my own 'dating' experiment - as in, NOT dating at all in college until I was sure I'd met 'the one'. Interesting how she and I managed to come to some of the same conclusions...

(Typed while still sipping on instant coffee from a Thermos)

A Month of Gratitude: April 2012

Chacos. Strawberries. The miracle of new life. Re-connecting with Younglan. Cancelled classes. The Hunger Games movie. The way others love Mike and are drawn to him, the life he lives and the way he compliments me. Warm weather. 2 Hour Skype dates with my parents. Easter dinner with my gents and my man. Cherry Blossoms. Mid-week holidays. Turkish Breakfast. Hearing Mike speak about our vows. Passionate and Impressive student speeches. Vibrams. Coffee dates at cafe's filled with plants and a good friend Yeo Ock and her sister. Afternoons and Evenings with Hyunhee. Honesty. Celebrations. The life of my beautiful sister Luella. Squealing laughter with my sister on her Birthday. Banana Bread Rice Porridge. Skype. Sound of Heavy Rain. Subway sandwiches. Erin Cochran. Dinner and hanging out with new friends, Matt and Dani. Student creativity and laughter. Baby giggles and smiles. Golden birthday. Seeing stars while lying next to my man in a bustling city. Morning movie dates. Sangria with lady friends, Alla, Jenelle and Stephanie. Running happily, running without stopping, running with a smile - first 5K complete. Remembering my history and years spent with the man. Laughter.

(Typed while sipping Korean tea from my work thermos)

INHO: (Don't) Just Blame the Students

In so many ways, my teaching situation is beautiful and enjoyable and a perfect fit for what I love, what I'm good at and what I want to put my effort into.

However, there are challenges.

And one of the primary challenges I face is the co-teaching relationship.

Sometimes, co-teaching can be the most amazing thing in the world, with two teachers truly using their strengths and talents to serve students in the most effective way possible. Additionally, this successful co-teaching allows the teachers to kind of share the responsibility for planning and expending energy which is quite nice.

Sometimes, however, co-teaching is simply the pairing of two teachers who do not view the world in the same way, who do not hold the same philosophies of education nor view students in the same way. And this is most frequently what leads me to great frustration in my workplace.

Most recently, a co-worker explained to me that one class had bad behavior solely because one student has bad behavior. Now, I don't know the language nor all the cultural norms, but let me just say, I've SEEN bad behavior and I know students that can cause a classroom to be a bit more than distracted...and this student, he's not it - maybe in language or culture it's possible, but in general behavior...not so much.

What I do find generally lacking in class with this particular co-teacher is a healthy enforcement of classroom management. If the teacher is talking, there's a 80% chance that the majority of the students are also talking, not listening and definitely not participating. If the target is to use English to answer something, there's a 50% chance English is not being used but the lesson is continuing forward nonetheless. And, again, maybe it's a difference in cultural expectations, but I don't know. I've had co-workers who command the attention of their students are well respected for it.

The part that really gets under my skin though, the part that turns me from the Foreign Teacher my co-workers talk to the Foreign Teacher their scared of, is when a co-worker explains the problem solely in terms of the students:

"Oh, they're so bad."                             "They are just following that one bad students example."   

           "They are 6th graders, you know how 6th graders are."                      "Oh, these students."

Perhaps, I can see in some cases, there is a bit of truth. But personally, I want co-workers who recognize the students aren't doing so well, they are misbehaving. And rather than just blaming the students, I want co-workers who take some time to consider their teaching style, their teaching materials and the true needs of their students and work toward adjusting what they are presenting. Because we're the adults here. We're the ones who should set the example, the expectation, the level of respect.

In my humble opinion.

(Typed while my students are on a fieldtrip and I'm left to enjoy two days of freedom, writing about what I love and hate and drink coffee mix from Taiwan from a thermos wrapped in a sweet hand-knit cozy ^^)

Better than Expected

This semester.
Old co-teaching relationships.
Lesson execution.
Lunch hours.
New co-teaching relationships.
Student behavior.

Each and everyone

Better than Expected

Ability
to give thanks.
to withold complaints.
to laugh.
to enjoy.
to teach.
to relax.
to breathe.
to be.

Better than Expected

All-consuming Hatred

I believe that my heart and soul have a great and deep and beautiful capacity to love.
I believe that that is true for all of mankind.

Love for people, animals, topics, concepts, words, and more are so easily brought forth from my heart of hearts, I know this to be true.

I feel a difference in myself when I'm choosing love.
I know a distinct sensation of overwhelming love that occurs when

I recall the love story that is unique to my man and me

I feel Lady Annyeong snuggle up to me and beg for my affection

I hear the voice of beloved friends on the other end of the 'Skype' phone

I receive a gift of words or thoughtfulness from friends or family

I hear the quiet whisper of my Lord, speaking truth into my life

I recall how far the quiet whisper has brought me

Thus, I've been horrified to come face to face with an all-consuming hatred.

Not a hatred of poverty around the world

or injustices and prejudices doled out by the 'Church'

or poor and thoughtless governmental policies

Not a hatred I could easily justify

Rather a hatred that I so desire not to speak for fear that making it real and admitting it's there will only bring further destruction.  A hatred that is directed toward, dare I say it, another human, an image-bearer.

Humbled. Embarrassed. Ashamed.

How I currently feel admitting that this has so forcefully come into my life.

Confused. Unsure. Helpless. Hopeless. Desperate.

How I feel in attempting to address this issue of hatred.

I've spent hours in prayer and anguish, in hopes that this feeling would subside, that there would be an 'easy' answer or a clean-cut from this image-bearer so I could love her from a distance without frequent interactions which cause my heart rate to increase, my eyes to roll and a heap of cynicism to surface.

I feel like the love that is commonly so easy to cultivate toward this broken world is being challenged.

I'm daily having to decide if I'm going to mutter in the gray matter my hatred for this being...

or seek to be compassionate.

Muttering hatred has won out far too many times.

But I'm not sure I have what it takes to battle this in swiftness.

The road ahead is seeming a bit threatening and overwhelming.

(Typed while sipping coffee mix from a paper cup which claims "Break Time for U & Me" and snacking on a tangerine...at least I've got that going for me today.)

Books 2012: The Prayers of Agnes Sparrow

The Prayers of Agnes Sparrow by Joyce Magnin

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


Agnes Sparrow is a morbidly obese woman (700 pounds) with a secret. A secret she keeps for years. A secret which causes her deep guilt and a desire to 'redeem' herself...so she prays. She prays everyday for everyone who asks and/or anyone living or passing through her town of Bright's Pond. The community of Bright's Pond loves Agnes for the miracles they have received through her prayers and are constantly working toward honoring her through billboards and statues. Griselda, the narrator and sister of Agnes, faithfully cares for her sister everyday while also running the towns library. Unfortunately, miracles start to come in less appealing 'packaging' and the community of Bright's Pond begin to claim Agnes has lost her powers and/or is an agent of the devil when great tragedy strikes the town.

Personally, I thought the story was simple but a bit longer than necessary. However, the author gives a lot to building the community as viewed by Griselda which helps place the reader in the community in an authentic way - knowing some characters intimately and some simply through gossip and rumor.

The most intriguing aspects of this story were the idolization of Agnes and the perception of miracles that the townsfolk had...which may be the reality of the way miracles are viewed.

"People were always thinking of miracles in terms of really, really good things happening. Why couldn't an ulcer or cancer or any other affliction be just as miraculous if it served God's purpose?" page 128/Location 2595

I think this is so interesting and so true. I think we are so quick to decide what is good and what is bad and assume that only that which is 'good' is capable of being a miracle. However, I know and have experienced things that for all evaluative purposes seem 'bad' but have brought forth the greatest fruit and opportunity to serve God and love people more genuinely and authentically.

"A smile as wide as Wyoming burst across Mildred's otherwise poker face." page 235/Location 4855 (Wyoming PRIDE!!!)

Seriously, Wyoming pride...that's all.

"Tell me, Miss God-fearing Griselda, would you have been able to find any Christian charity, any mercy, any forgiveness in your heart and let me stay?" Page 283/Location 5921

Said by a man behind prison bars who just confessed to bringing about one of the towns most painful, earth-shattering events.  Although the book paints the picture that his being caught and put in prison was the serving of justice (which I agree, although his previous crimes aren't well painted so I still kind of liked him and wanted more redemption to be served to his character), these lines stuck out because they are convicting. He had a history which he hid from the people because he wanted to receive charity, mercy and forgiveness.  I spend a portion of my time thinking about people I love doing heinous things and trying to work out in my heart and mind the process of forgiveness...I think it's such an easy process to fail in...and to justify our failures.

"Get ready and the second you hear that horn, you start screaming and see if you can scream louder than the train and the whistle. I don't believe it can be done. I tried every night for a year after Bubba died and many a night after." Page 343/Location 7189

I hope SaraJane, Erin and Annalise are reading this post because this section of the book reminded me of each of them...the process of being angry and not being scared to be visibly angry (with some caution and control of the anger).  Whether it's throwing eggs at rocks, breaking plates or screaming louder than trains finding outlets for anger and facing that emotion is something each of these women have taught me and this book brought forth that memory.


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A few other notes: I read this book primarily en route to work on the bus and cuddled up at 519 Galma home on the couch or big comfy chair.  It has been a post-Christmas, entering the new year, semi-vacation, English winter camp season book. I'm feeling generally hopeful and motivated as the New Year begins and I'm committed to rocking through a ton of books this year, especially as the end of my Master's is so near to being completed.

(Typed while working through my morning glass of water as per '30 Day Challenge' regulation...although my glass is a light brown mug...go figure)

Distance

Over 6,000 miles lay between me and my family (and a number of friends who are like family)

Somedays, I forget that truth.

I know that my love for them is no less impressive and deep than if I lived in their basement, next door or an hours drive from their front door. I know the reverse is also true.

However, in the last 15 months of living in South Korea a number of deaths have tugged at my heartstrings and begged me to ask why exactly are there more than 6,000 miles between me and those I’ve loved for since birth and my early years and even my post-college years.

Early Thanksgiving morning a man whom I had come to love during our trip home, a man who was loving my sister in a beautiful way, a man who was consistently making me laugh and enjoy my visit home and especially the time I had with my beloved sister, chose to take his life.

In an instant, the decision was made.

In an instant, his life was over.

In an instant, everything changed.

In an instant, I mourned and yearned for home.

In an instant, friends and family came together to remember with joy the life he lived.

But peace will not come in an instant. It’s going to be a long, dreadful road somedays.

Why should where I am be so far from where I’ve also loved and been loved?

Book: The Memory Keeper's Daughter

The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I appreciated the real-ness of this story. Real in the sense, that I kept expecting a redemption that was grand and reuniting amongst all characters, however the depth of pain and betrayal and hardship were deep and I believe the author dealt with these components in a compassionate, redemptive yet very real way. Not that I didn't want redemption to win, that I didn't want a Savior to undo the hurt and the pain, I want that, I've seen that and I love that. I just didn't feel it in these characters. I didn't feel it was their time or their place and I was grateful that the author felt and allowed for the same.

The synopsis of twins, one without complication the other with a diagnosis of Downs Syndrome made for an engaging read. It is difficult to imagine being placed in such a situation where giving away one of two seems like the best choice. I cannot imagine the regret felt by David, the grief felt by Norah nor the shock felt by Caroline. The story is full of such complexities that are reflective of all people.

Lines that stand out:

"This was her life. Not the life she had once dreamed of, not a life her younger self would ever have imagined or desired, but the life she was living with all its complexities. This was her life, built with care and attention, and it was good." (p.322)

"Grief it seemed, was a physical place." (p. 388).

"He'd poured his story out to her in such a rush, the first and last time he had ever told it, and she had listened without judging him. There was freedom in that." (p. 395)
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Burned Out

I usually have decent stamina with my employment situations.

However. my current situation. is. destroying me. (exaggeration).

But seriously.

This year, I've discovered some strengths and gifts in teaching that were surprising and welcomed.

As the first year of TEFL in Korea winds down...I'm burned out.

And not because it's hot and humid and monsoon season.

Because my work load is heavy. i have two schools. my students are giving up. or yelling. always. or fighting. or...or...or...

And it feels like I'm the only one who sees it
or cares.

I decided a couple of weeks ago that I can't come back to this, in August.

Therefore, I will come back to a new school.
One school. A middle school.
Fingers-crossed.

Schooled

The following is the compilation of a couple days thoughts, a way for me to process through things and in no way reflects my current state of being...I'm sooo incredibly happy here and in the teaching field. I just need to process through some things.

So much has been running through my poor little head.

I've really been yearning to have time in this place. This blog. Another blog. A Journal. My bed.

I just want to understand what's going on around me.

My 'catch phrase' in Korea has become:

Living here is easy, it's working here that's tough.

Cultural norms are a lot more noticeable in our work environments

Education is a field that is loaded with it's own cultural norms

Nearly everything I believe regarding education is challenged here.

Discipline is viewed differently

Assessing and testing is viewed differently

Challenging students is viewed differently

Purpose of teaching is viewed differently

Equality and Justice are viewed differently

And one more thing, Obama has NO idea what he's talking about when he says America should look to Korea's education system for inspiration. That's a load of crap. From my vantage point anyway. (Just needed to get that off my chest).

I miss working in a school environment where every teacher was devoted to offering the best education possible for each individual student. I miss having co-workers who trusted me, my ideas and things I wanted to try with students. I miss students who were free to show the full range of their emotions, to struggle with learning, to succeed in small things and receive huge celebrations.

I don't miss restraining students. I don't miss being hit, kicked or bitten. I don't miss understanding the hierarchy and pompous personnel's attitude's about my position and abilities.

As I work in education and pursue a Master's Degree in Education, I realize two things:

I'm passionate about this work.

This work will never be all that I dream it could be, it will disappoint.

I'm just learning to be ok with that.

To understand my drive and my passion in context of the world. In context of other drives and passions. Because here's the thing, maybe I could make education everything I want it to be in my educational situation, but then I couldn't have a marriage I'm amazed by, look forward to having children to serve and live life with, be intentional in friendships, cook and bake as I desire (and need), etc.

I'm okay with these passions of mine and I'm learning to be okay with the limits the world puts on those passions coming to full fruition.

I have a long way to go. But having this place to let it out, it's comforting in a way. A way to better understand what's going on in my head and my heart.

(Typed while...drinking nothing? Not during the second go around anyway and frankly, I don't remember the first go at things)

I Do Not See



Taken during the first sunrise of 2011 in Daejeon, South Korea

When I rang in 2010, I knew about as much as anyone can know about an upcoming year.
I knew I had 5 months left working at Linford.
I knew I had only 5 months to enjoy the day-to-day company,
presence, friendship and comfort of my Laramie 'family'.
I knew I'd go to Hawaii
I knew we'd travel the World
We'd meet our Sponsor Child
We'd be in South Africa for the World Cup
We'd end in Asia, most likely with Teaching positions
I'd celebrate 3 years of marriage with my husband
I'd spend Christmas in a foreign land

Granted, any of that could have changed. Could have been dropped, re-vamped, re-written, undone.
But it wasn't.
So at the brink of 2010, I knew what a big and impactful and amazing and wonderful year lay ahead.

In a word, 2010 was Bittersweet.

For months, I knew I was about to leave some of the most
Amazing, Supportive, Beautiful, Loving, Encouraging, Inspiring, Gentle, Humble, God-Fearing, Service-Hearted, Community-Oriented, Intentional friends I've ever known or called my own.

The taste was bitter

For months, I knew I would embark on a dream of a journey filled with joy, adventure, sights, experiences, challenges, growth, lessons and new friendships I couldn't have if I stayed 'home'

The taste was sweet

For months I knew I'd leave my family, yet they'd continue to call and email and facebook and be my family.

The taste is bittersweet.

For months I knew my workday woes would come to an end yet I'd be without my amazing and inspirational co-workers nor the children whom I loved, regardless of behavior.

The taste is bittersweet.

For months I have lived in a foreign land and have experienced such warmth and hospitatility, delightful flavors on my tastebuds, the beginnings of friendships that are just as impressive as the ones I left behind, friendships which I know I am better for having been a part of.

The taste is sweet.

For months I have missed out on the day-to-day lives of cherished family and friends, children growing, wedding bells ringing, Christmas Breaks re-juvenating and re-uniting, New Year glasses clinking, in a place that will always and forever be home.

The taste is bitter.



Last year, we received the gift of a prayer from a dear friend.

One that as applicaple then as it is now:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where if will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following your will

does not meant that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if i do this you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

~Thomas Merton

I raise my yellow teacup filled with hot water ( a strange habit developed in the ROK) to the year of 2011 although I do not see.

Needs

Today I'm realizing some 'needs'

I needed this and this.

I needed this
to further confirm my love and need
of Love

I need this
Because it doesn't feel an ounce
like Christmas -- and I need it to.



I needed a bus driver who dressed as
Santa Claus
and gave away candy.

I needed a Korean co-worker
to send me this song mid-morning


I needed to re-read these words from a friend
"I think thats my soul recognizing that your soul is extraordinary. I see something in you that many people don't have, which is an ability to love wholeheartedly. I want to thank you for that! I think a lot of people are scared to love with all parts of their heart, but yet you do it daily. That's pretty incredible."

I need to know that a good friend
will soon be arriving...
and that we will hug.

I need to let go of some things
to move on
get over it
have some conversations
bake some cookies
write some blogs
and breathe.

I need encouragement. love. joy. Christ.

I need to remember it's Christmas.

(Typed with nothing to drink but because I needed to. I needed to remember what has brought joy in the last few days and that even though today is tearing me down...I have all I need and more.)