All-consuming Hatred

I believe that my heart and soul have a great and deep and beautiful capacity to love.
I believe that that is true for all of mankind.

Love for people, animals, topics, concepts, words, and more are so easily brought forth from my heart of hearts, I know this to be true.

I feel a difference in myself when I'm choosing love.
I know a distinct sensation of overwhelming love that occurs when

I recall the love story that is unique to my man and me

I feel Lady Annyeong snuggle up to me and beg for my affection

I hear the voice of beloved friends on the other end of the 'Skype' phone

I receive a gift of words or thoughtfulness from friends or family

I hear the quiet whisper of my Lord, speaking truth into my life

I recall how far the quiet whisper has brought me

Thus, I've been horrified to come face to face with an all-consuming hatred.

Not a hatred of poverty around the world

or injustices and prejudices doled out by the 'Church'

or poor and thoughtless governmental policies

Not a hatred I could easily justify

Rather a hatred that I so desire not to speak for fear that making it real and admitting it's there will only bring further destruction.  A hatred that is directed toward, dare I say it, another human, an image-bearer.

Humbled. Embarrassed. Ashamed.

How I currently feel admitting that this has so forcefully come into my life.

Confused. Unsure. Helpless. Hopeless. Desperate.

How I feel in attempting to address this issue of hatred.

I've spent hours in prayer and anguish, in hopes that this feeling would subside, that there would be an 'easy' answer or a clean-cut from this image-bearer so I could love her from a distance without frequent interactions which cause my heart rate to increase, my eyes to roll and a heap of cynicism to surface.

I feel like the love that is commonly so easy to cultivate toward this broken world is being challenged.

I'm daily having to decide if I'm going to mutter in the gray matter my hatred for this being...

or seek to be compassionate.

Muttering hatred has won out far too many times.

But I'm not sure I have what it takes to battle this in swiftness.

The road ahead is seeming a bit threatening and overwhelming.

(Typed while sipping coffee mix from a paper cup which claims "Break Time for U & Me" and snacking on a tangerine...at least I've got that going for me today.)