All-consuming Hatred

I believe that my heart and soul have a great and deep and beautiful capacity to love.
I believe that that is true for all of mankind.

Love for people, animals, topics, concepts, words, and more are so easily brought forth from my heart of hearts, I know this to be true.

I feel a difference in myself when I'm choosing love.
I know a distinct sensation of overwhelming love that occurs when

I recall the love story that is unique to my man and me

I feel Lady Annyeong snuggle up to me and beg for my affection

I hear the voice of beloved friends on the other end of the 'Skype' phone

I receive a gift of words or thoughtfulness from friends or family

I hear the quiet whisper of my Lord, speaking truth into my life

I recall how far the quiet whisper has brought me

Thus, I've been horrified to come face to face with an all-consuming hatred.

Not a hatred of poverty around the world

or injustices and prejudices doled out by the 'Church'

or poor and thoughtless governmental policies

Not a hatred I could easily justify

Rather a hatred that I so desire not to speak for fear that making it real and admitting it's there will only bring further destruction.  A hatred that is directed toward, dare I say it, another human, an image-bearer.

Humbled. Embarrassed. Ashamed.

How I currently feel admitting that this has so forcefully come into my life.

Confused. Unsure. Helpless. Hopeless. Desperate.

How I feel in attempting to address this issue of hatred.

I've spent hours in prayer and anguish, in hopes that this feeling would subside, that there would be an 'easy' answer or a clean-cut from this image-bearer so I could love her from a distance without frequent interactions which cause my heart rate to increase, my eyes to roll and a heap of cynicism to surface.

I feel like the love that is commonly so easy to cultivate toward this broken world is being challenged.

I'm daily having to decide if I'm going to mutter in the gray matter my hatred for this being...

or seek to be compassionate.

Muttering hatred has won out far too many times.

But I'm not sure I have what it takes to battle this in swiftness.

The road ahead is seeming a bit threatening and overwhelming.

(Typed while sipping coffee mix from a paper cup which claims "Break Time for U & Me" and snacking on a tangerine...at least I've got that going for me today.)

Goals: February 2012

I've been thinking a lot about what to do for February and the truth is, I don't think I'll actually change the goals up to much, I think I'll primarily stick to what I got. It's still kind of vacation here in Kimchiland. I have a week and a few days of teaching coming up. We'll also have some friends visiting in just over a week. Then it's off to Vietnam for just under two weeks and then hosting a few friends before they leave Korea for good...so, it's not really the month for starting new routines, so I'm not going to push it. I will however try to change a few things up and up the anty on a few things.

So here's, what February Goals are looking like...(bold word note a change from January's goals)

Daily:

• Drink one glass of water when I wake up and before I go to bed AND mid-day
• Stretch at least once a day
• Do a minimum of 15 push-ups and 50 sit-ups (or some variation of stomach toning excercise) everyday -- funny thing is, I kind of came up with this idea last night and initially thought, I'll do 20 push-ups and minimum 20 sit-ups (remember last month both numbers were 12 but I frequently did 12 sit-ups of three varieties, hence the striving for 50 all of a sudden) anyway, I started doing push-ups and about the time I hit 15 I thought 'Well, that's surely enough, more than I did before' and stopped -- I am not that strong.
• Floss daily (or at minimum 3 days a week)
• Daily journal about 5 things for which I am grateful
• Read a minimum of 2 chapters from the Bible each day - I'm doing this during my stretching w/ the Kindle because it's quite nice for reading and makes me feel like I'm making the most of that stretching time.
• Begin stretching time in child pose - meditate on the Lord's Prayer

Within the Month:

• Write about a minimum of 5days in the travel journal I started for our world tour in 2010 -- REALLY hoping I get on that
• Finish at least 5 books toward my 2012 reading goal of 50 books in a year
• Update my food blog within 3 days of preparing a meal
• Finish blogging about Taiwan before heading to Vietnam
• Blog more about what I'm processing/thinking -- (i.e. comparisons, individuality, complaints -- things I've been thinkig about lately and would do well to think through)

And the calendar has moved onto February so I will post it again here (turns out the calendar naturally progresses, so if I return to the January post I won't see my January calendar - hence the screen shot yesterday...oh well.)

(Typed while drinking a convenience store White Coco Moca, French Cafe brand. There's a lovely cartoon woman on the container with coffee bean rain falling behind her, magical.)

Goals Update: January 2012

January has come and gone and I'm left reflecting on the month that has past, the goals I set out to accomplish and how each of those goals has panned out.

Here is a copy of my goals from original January Goals post as well as...my commentary on how things looked in real life.

Daily:

Drink one glass of water when I wake up and before I go to bed -- Fairly frequently, as much of a habit as it will ever be. One thing that will always and forever more throw me off a routine such as this is traveling or having any sort of holiday, but I'm not about to give that up!
Stretch at least once a day -- Again, quite frequently, but Taiwan travels 'got in the way'.
Do a minimum of 12 push-ups and 12 sit-ups everyday -- Ditto.
(These goals are from the 30 day challenge I set up in September, so they're nearly habits now, although sickness and holidays kind of threw me off)
Floss daily (or at minimum 3 days a week) -- I did not meet this goal exactly but I flossed WAY more this past month than any other month in my previous life, so I have a ways to go, but it's not looking so dreadful these days.
Daily journal about 5 things for which I am grateful -- Everyday. Sometimes the morning after, but everyday. You can see highlights of the month here if you're so inclined ^.^

Within the Month:

Finish my MAED (that's a given, but I want to mark it anyway) -- HELLS YEAH! Feels good!
Write about a minimum of 10 days in the travel journal I started for our world tour in 2010 -- Not a single one...just plain laziness in that regard.
Finish at least 6 books toward my 2012 reading goal of 50 books in a year -- Read Eight Books this month! So fantastic, I love having my nose in a book.
Update my food blog within 3 days of preparing a meal -- Not so much. A couple of times I had it down, then we went to Taiwan...excuses.
Make the most of a week in Taiwan (that includes making plans and being prepared to soak in as much culture and experiences as possible!) -- It was a bit tougher than expected, but great nonetheless, when I'm done with the series over at The Harrington Times, I'll post the stories here.


Overall: As I expected, our travels to Taiwan threw me off my groove slightly in terms of stretching/toning, flossing and drinking water more regularly. However, I'm still quite impressed with how well I was able to keep up on those tasks and thrilled that the slight discipline required to keep a Gratitude Journal was easily tackled. I think keeping a Gratitude Journal is by far one of the healthiest things I do in my day to day life.

Below is a screen shot of a complete January.

Now, on to planning February's Goals!

A Month of Gratitude: January 2012

As part of my January 30 day challenge I reinitiated the upkeep of a Gratitude Journal which essentially requires me to record a minimum of 5 things for which I can be grateful for each day. Here are the top picks from each day in the month of January - a glorious reminder that even though I've hated sitting at desk with nothing to do, my life is beyond beautiful and blessed. Hope you were able to recognize all of life's gifts throughout the month of January 2012!

Fresh memories of family visits and family love. Creative picture making with Students. Redneck Life with John, Whitney and Alla. The unexpected Facebook chat with Cailin, drop-in visit from Hyunhee. Hilarious texts from my "cold noodle soup". Italian dinner for two with Jenelle. Facebook posts which point toward visitors whose family name starts with 'M' and rhymes with 'Bullen'! Afternoon naps. Books that stir my soul and passions, providing thought provoking matter. Watching my sweet Lady and Man rest peacefully together. Floor heat. Ethiopia and her people. Sweet Tangerines. Annalise. Banoffee. Laughter. Phone calls home, hearing the voices of my beloved, healthy parents. Cafe Latte and free cheesecake in celebration of a completed master's degree. Conquering spent grains yet again! Leggings. Erin Co. Long Island Ice Tea celebrations with Josiah and Jenelle. Skype calls with SaraJane. Short flights. Delicious ham and cheese crepe breakfast with milk tea for under $5US. Sleeping in. Fog covered mountain views accompanied by sipping oolong tea. A place to sleep comfortably and warmly and the money to cover the cost. Subway sandwiches. Tandem bike adventures through crowded Asian streets and along the boardwalk of Danshui, Taiwan. The magic of hundreds of sky lanterns filling the night sky, sending forth the wishes, prayers and hopes of the people. Selling Navajo Durango (bittersweet, really). Rice Pudding. Skype and encouragment from Holly.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

(Typed while washing down a triple berry pastry with a white paper cup of cappuccino, both from Paris Baguette)

Book 2012: On Sparrow Hill

On Sparrow Hill by Maureen Lang

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


When I first received my Kindle, I read the first book of this series by Maureen Lang entitled The Oak Leaves. I thoroughly enjoyed the story of Cosima from Ireland but wasn't as caught up in the story of Talie in the U.S. Nonetheless, I had enjoyed the first and the series and was eager to read the second.

The second did not disappoint. I loved the story coming from the letters of Berrie to Cosima as much as I loved the story of Dana (Talie's sister) and Rebecca. I love the way the family history was woven together from generations long ago until the present day and the way certain familial themes emerged, not only the genetic condition of fragile X but the faith, hope and love these family members were able to express in their actions toward one another and to the Lord.
A few highlights:
"Yet there is something about her that reminds me of myself. Perhaps it is her unflinching belief that she is where she ought to be, despite all of the challenges." (Location 1703)
"Worry, I have learned, seems to be a virus. Once caught, it is nearly impossible to cure." (Location 1949)
"The greatest hope comes after surrendering, whether that hope is fulfilled in our lifetime or not." (Location 5014)

View all my reviews

Book 2012: Unconventional

Unconventional by J.J. Hebert

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This is a story about custodial duties, passions, love, dreams, despair, hope, hardship and overcoming. A young janitor. Talented writer. Neglected by his father. Loved by his girlfriend. Hated by said girlfriend's parents. Befriened by important and loving figures. Eventually finds the life he's always yearnd for.

"The greatest and most inspiring achievements are not produced by those who conform to society's idea of normal, but by those who courageously adopt the unconventional." (page 1/location 169)

"Children aren't born prejudiced. They don't hate. They don't degrade. They learn these things from society. This is one of the greatest tragedies in the world: the circle of prejudice." (page 58/location 1477)

View all my reviews

A few other things about this reading:
I read this in it's entirety while on vacation which just feels GREAT! That I was on vacation. That I had time to read. That I finished something. Absolutely fantastic. I began at Incheon Airport, South Korea and finished at Paradise Hotel in Taipei, Taiwan (Paradise is an overstatement...) It was light, it was easy and refreshing, it lacked the heavier material of 'There is No Me Without You" which is still weighing heavy on my heart and mind.

(Typed with the instant granules of Maxim Caramel Machiatto coursing through my veins)

Faith and Loss

"Faith in God is an opening up, a letting go, a deep trust, a free act of love - but sometimes it was so hard to love. Sometimes my heart was sinking so fast with anger, desolation and weariness, I was afraid it would sink to the very bottom of the Pacific and I would not be able to lift it back up." (Life of Pi, p. 263).

These words are speaking more truth into where I am at now than where I was at when I marked them while reading the Life of Pi.

I never felt the depth of anger, frustration and dislike of an individual as I do now.
It's ugly.
It makes me feel ugly.
It's unstoppable.

Maybe not literally, I'm sure there's a way to mentally re-direct myself. I'm sure there is scripture I could meditate on hard and come to some loving conclusion and actions to express toward said individual. But something in me is refusing to go there.

My feelings are hurt in a way I am unfamiliar with. I feel misrepresented, disrespected and unrightly inferior.

Pride is continuously swelling up inside of me as I think about what I am entitled to as an individual, as an educator, as an...American.

I truly don't know what to do to move toward an expression of love toward this particular co-worker.

If it weren't for the wealth of people who pour love into my life and whom I can so boldly love, I would fear my heart has sunken to far to be retrieved.

But, it's easy to love those who love us.
Jesus challenges us to love those who hate us, whom are our enemies, who are difficult to love.

I have a little lot more 'letting go' to do before I can love in a way I believe is reflective of what I know to be my heart's capacity.

Ugh.

(Typed with the caffeine of instant Korean Maxim coursing through my veins)