How I will Remember

My recent post isn't that typical of how I choose to present myself in this place.

It is a reminder to me, that journaling privately may be a worthwhile pursuit.

It is additionally a reminder that speaking honestly, being honest with yourself about emotions and feelings whether beautiful or ugly is a sweet, nourishing treat for the soul.

I'm not sure how the memories of my Korean teaching experience are going to be carried forth. I know, that within time, I will know that it was difficult and challenging, but what I will relive with the most frequency is...

how I've had students work so hard to use a second language which they have a minimal understand of, to know me and introduce their lives and their nation to me.

how some of my students have out traveled me.

how some of my students can relate to being a foreigner, in a strange land.

how through the difficulty of the past year, I have met my Korean soul sister and I daily recognized that that friendship is, without a doubt, worth every unpleasant memory and moment.

how my students have faithfully given me notes, sent me emails, offered me food and shouted warm hellos as I walk throughout the hallways and anywhere within a 1km radius of the school.

how my co-workers have consistently provided snacks, often at times when I was quite legitimately in need of food and how often times those snacks were delicious and fully enjoyable.

how I've had ridiculous amounts of time to blog and facebook and pinterest and read while at work.

how I've gained incredible skills in using PowerPoint and a few other technologies to create learning materials that are engaging.

how I've gained incredible skills in using non-technology based learning games because I think Korean students may spend too much time staring at 'screens'.

how within this position, I was able to complete a Master's degree without the addition of too much stress.

how we were able to afford an online Master's degree because of this work and still go home with savings.

how the co-worker who caused me the most difficulties gave me a hug which conveyed her regret and will undoubtedly assist me in my own process of forgiveness.

how these two years have provided me more than I can fathom, both good and bad, but ultimately formative and life-changing.

(typed while drinking water and eating cookies brought to me by a co-worker ^^)

The Truth of This Moment

I just need to get some things out in the open.

The truth of this moment is that I will never again teach 6th grade students at Samcheon Elementary School. In two days, I'll add Samcheon 4th and 5th graders to that list as well as two of my current co-workers. Aside from the 17 students who plan to attend summer camp, my work here is essentially finished.

And the truth of this is, I am relieved.

The truth is, I haven't enjoyed working here. Here as in Samcheon. Here as in South Korea.

I've loved Korea. I've loved many of my students. I've made a handful of exceptional co-worker friends. I've gained invaluable experience as an educator. I've learned to teach phonics effectively and engagingly. I've been offered a lot of snacks. I've drank a lot of instant coffee.

But at the end of the day, I don't love this job.

That is the truth.

Because in my position, as a foreigner, teaching English in a Korean Elementary school, regardless of previous experience and education, is not a highly valued position, in some ways, I am not a highly valued person according to cultural norms (age, gender, nationality, experience).

And...

I guess I've lead a pampered life of people praising me and affirming my talents, even in teaching and classroom management.

Not so here.

And maybe that's okay. Maybe, surely, I needed a season that played out the way this one did.

But the truth of this moment, is that I will not miss working in Korea's public elementary schools.

I just hope I have the heart and gumption to tackle teaching back home...or that the good Lord leads elsewhere...

(Typed having finished a red paper cup of nothing other than instant coffee ^^)

Books 2012: Silent Tears: A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage

Silent Tears: A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage by Kay Bratt
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This memoir is about many things: harsh realities of a Chinese Orphanage, living as an expatriate, being a mother and a wife, navigating culture and serving your passions. Many passages are hard-hitting and tug at the heart-strings with unbelievable force. At times, the writing, which is presented in journal format/excerpts from the authors journal, feels like just that - raw emotions which paint a country and it's people too harshly and too drastically from the vantage point of Western ideology and prosperity. As an expat in East Asia, I can understand many of her frustrations toward cultural norms - I'm just not sure all of them are honorable to publish with such a critical tone.

In reading this story, I think it's important for the reader to a) recognize this is the story of one orphanage and one volunteer who happened to witness horrendous things - things which should be brought to our attention but may or may not be true for all of China's orphanages and likely happen throughout the world, even in developed nations and b) this is her journal, her raw emotions, it's not censored to be politically correct and that's fine, that's what journaling is intended for- a place to safely vent frustrations and wrestle with our perceptions of anything and everything including a nation and it's people.

I really, REALLY loved reading the letters at the end of the book and seeing how much hope there was in this place which so often showcased darkness.

"I wanted to transform the often vacant, detached expressions on their innocent faces to ones of animation, of joy, of life. My new goal became demonstrating to each child how it felt to be loved and nurtured." (location 129)

"I would never fail to be astonished that a child so young could cry so silently, without movement or expression, while so clearly craving human touch. It was as though they had given up on the hope of receiving even a moment of comfort or attention to alleviate the misery of their prison-like existence." (location 145)

"I had known helping these children would make me feel good in so many ways, but I'd never counted on the profound sadness I would deal with daily." (location 190)

View all my reviews

A few other notes:

I think about adoption quite regularly. Perhaps because one of my best friends adopted a child who quickly became one of my favorite. Lately, I've been having a lot of conversations with my Korean friends about adoption, because we're all at that age or point in our marriage when everyone wants to know - "Are you going to have kids?" It's been interesting and really ought to call for it's own post because it's been incredibly insightful and heartbreaking. Heartbreaking in some of the same ways this story is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking in that sometimes, honestly, culture holds us back. Puts restrictions on things which should be explored and embraced freely. I had so many emotions in reading this book. Mostly of a bleeding heart. But, at times, I was also frustrated with the author. She lived in China, for three years before bucking up and using a squatty potty -- and even then it was out of complete desperation. But she grew. And I guess that's what matters. Because I've lived in South Korea for 2 years and most definitely haven't overcome each of my cultural boundaries - so, I suppose I should lay off my judgement and comparisons and simply enjoy this book for the heart and passion expressed and the thoughts which it leads me to ponder and to share.

(Typed while sitting at my desk with nothing to drink but my own thoughts.)

INHO: (Don't) Just Blame the Students

In so many ways, my teaching situation is beautiful and enjoyable and a perfect fit for what I love, what I'm good at and what I want to put my effort into.

However, there are challenges.

And one of the primary challenges I face is the co-teaching relationship.

Sometimes, co-teaching can be the most amazing thing in the world, with two teachers truly using their strengths and talents to serve students in the most effective way possible. Additionally, this successful co-teaching allows the teachers to kind of share the responsibility for planning and expending energy which is quite nice.

Sometimes, however, co-teaching is simply the pairing of two teachers who do not view the world in the same way, who do not hold the same philosophies of education nor view students in the same way. And this is most frequently what leads me to great frustration in my workplace.

Most recently, a co-worker explained to me that one class had bad behavior solely because one student has bad behavior. Now, I don't know the language nor all the cultural norms, but let me just say, I've SEEN bad behavior and I know students that can cause a classroom to be a bit more than distracted...and this student, he's not it - maybe in language or culture it's possible, but in general behavior...not so much.

What I do find generally lacking in class with this particular co-teacher is a healthy enforcement of classroom management. If the teacher is talking, there's a 80% chance that the majority of the students are also talking, not listening and definitely not participating. If the target is to use English to answer something, there's a 50% chance English is not being used but the lesson is continuing forward nonetheless. And, again, maybe it's a difference in cultural expectations, but I don't know. I've had co-workers who command the attention of their students are well respected for it.

The part that really gets under my skin though, the part that turns me from the Foreign Teacher my co-workers talk to the Foreign Teacher their scared of, is when a co-worker explains the problem solely in terms of the students:

"Oh, they're so bad."                             "They are just following that one bad students example."   

           "They are 6th graders, you know how 6th graders are."                      "Oh, these students."

Perhaps, I can see in some cases, there is a bit of truth. But personally, I want co-workers who recognize the students aren't doing so well, they are misbehaving. And rather than just blaming the students, I want co-workers who take some time to consider their teaching style, their teaching materials and the true needs of their students and work toward adjusting what they are presenting. Because we're the adults here. We're the ones who should set the example, the expectation, the level of respect.

In my humble opinion.

(Typed while my students are on a fieldtrip and I'm left to enjoy two days of freedom, writing about what I love and hate and drink coffee mix from Taiwan from a thermos wrapped in a sweet hand-knit cozy ^^)

Feelings of Fondness

I'm feeling a particular fondness toward Korea and life right now.

I'm sure there are plenty of reasons for this, but that is not of any importance.

What is important, is that I soak in these moments everytime they happen - they are soooo
good and crucial for my soul.

Work started up again
I'm thrilled to see my students.
I'm happy to be teaching.
I'm satisfied with school lunches.

Korea is warming up.
Korea gave me a dog.
Korea's dog gets me outside more often.

I'm simply feeling fond toward this foreign land right now.
I even feel a slight bit more motivated to learn the language.

And, I'm falling in love with the music scene...
I mean, who wouldn't?

(Typed having finished a Strawberry-Chocolate snack and drinking a HOT cup of Korean Green Tea from a small paper cup at Seongchon Elementary School)

Back in the Game

If we were playing a competitive sport with Korea
she would have been winning last week.
We were losing.

What I mean is, sometimes, the cultral
differences
are different
and difficult

Being faced with these differences and difficulties
put us in the losers corner and Korea in the winners bracket.

The game was better,
not when we were winning
but when we were on the same team as Korea.

However, this week, Korea started playing dirty:

Miscommunications ... Attempted Communications
Cultural differences in the Importance of Vacation
and Being with one's Spouse for the Vacation

Importance and Bind of Contracts

Work hours Incompatible with bank hours
Banks closing earlier than stated.

Spicy food and odd Sea Creatures
for dinner

Smells of sewage
Soju drunks
Unfaithful husbands
5:00 am 'wake-up calls'

Korea was destroying us.
Winning.
Defeating this otherwise happy
and content American Couple.

BUT
Have. No. Fear.
We're back in the game.



Saturday
Not only did Korea decide to play fair
She started playing with us.

A lovely fall hike
on a non-too-crowded 'mountain' trail

Fabulous food provision
rice cakes with beef on top, mandoo and cheese filled pork cutlets

Spectacular thrift store finds
winter coats for the man and woman of the house

Cheesecake and Apple Pie
celebrating a dear new friend

Bowling.
with dear new friends

We can do this Korea, we can do this.
You may win on occassion
but we're not giving up
not yet, not now.

(Typed while enjoying the last mug full of Apple Cider Taste Alike from the tan mug inherited upon my arrival in Korea)